How Do I Help My Kid Calm Down After a Tantrum?

Every child melts down now and then, and knowing how to help your kid calm down after a tantrum can be tricky. To help, we share strategies for soothing your child after a tantrum, along with expert techniques for how to reconnect with your child after a meltdown.

The Challenge of Tantrums

We’ve all been there. Sometimes your child has been simmering and sometimes it’s out of the blue – but suddenly, arms are flailing, legs are kicking, and your kid’s emitting a noise that rivals your smoke alarm. It’s a full blown tantrum, and priority number one is finding a way to help your kid calm down – while avoiding eye contact with anyone who happens to be nearby.

Of course, telling your child to “just be quiet” or “calm down” doesn’t work, but let’s be honest: It doesn’t work on us parents, either. For most of us, nothing’s more agitating than being told to relax!

Common questions parents have include:

• Should I ignore my child while they’re having a tantrum?
• How can I teach my child to control their emotions?
• What can I do immediately after my child has a meltdown?

While there’s no one right way to parent, there are some methods that work to deescalate tense emotional situations and get you and your children back on track. Expert-recommended techniques include:

• Staylistening
• Connect and Redirect

Staylistening: Being Present Through the Storm

When your child’s in throes of a tantrum, it can be tempting to walk away and let them cry it out, but Patty Wipfler, founder of Hand-in-Hand Parenting, recommends another strategy that she calls “staylistening.”

Staylistening involves being in the moment with your child and truly listening through your child’s upset, lying down with them to witness all the tears and fears and hurt until the emotion has passed. It usually includes a lot of crying, very few words, and a pretty intense outpouring of emotions.

When you practice staylistening, you’re:

• Letting your child know they are not alone
• Helping them move through their emotions with empathy, building bonds that will last
• Showing your child that they are strong and can work on regulating their own emotions without you lecturing or telling them how to act

Connect and Redirect: A Scientific Approach

Another approach, offered by psychiatrist Dr. Dan Siegel, is a method called “Connect and Redirect” that incorporates scientific principles to give you quick, easy steps to reconnect with your child.

Step 1 – Connect

After a stressful situation, connect with your child and give them a hug if they’re ready for it. Get down on their level, eye to eye if possible, and reestablish the connection that went a bit haywire during the meltdown.

Step 2 – Redirect

Talk with your child about what’s happening. This process is crucial as you need to show them empathy – even if your child has done something wrong.

Additional Strategies

Era’s podcast series on discipline and empathy offers several other effective techniques:

• Name it to Tame It: Helping your child identify their emotions
• Stop and Breathe: Using self-regulation and redirection
• Empathic Understanding: Understanding how your child’s developing brain affects their behavior

The Importance of These Moments

The choices we make during intense moments when our children most need our guidance provide the examples our kids will follow as they develop the ability to use self-discipline. We can use these moments of frustration as opportunities to better understand and empathize with what our children need in that moment – which allows us to connect with them and then teach them.

It takes practice and patience, but the rewards are well worth the effort.