What Do I Do When My Child Won't Listen?

It drives parents crazy when kids don’t listen, but for many parents, getting kids to listen isn’t actually the goal. Here’s why kids misbehave and what tools can help parents teach their kids to behave in ways that go beyond simply doing what they’re told.

The Universal Challenge of Getting Kids to Listen

Whether your kid’s a little angel or a little devil, chances are you’ve had at least one moment when your child doesn’t listen and does whatever they want with no regard for you, others, or even themselves. Truth be told, these moments may happen more often than you’d like to admit, and you’re not alone. While everyone seems to have an opinion on what works – from spankings to groundings to consequences – what really helps when your child won’t listen?

Understanding Misbehavior: It’s Not Personal

While it might feel like your child misbehaves just to push your buttons, there’s usually more to the story. Common reasons for not listening include:

Young Children

• Unmet needs (hunger, tiredness, overstimulation)
• Limited emotional vocabulary to express needs
• Difficulty controlling impulses
• Need for attention or connection

Preteens and Older Children

• Part of the individuation process
• Pushing boundaries to assert independence
• Cognitive changes affecting planning and impulse control
• Going through a “second toddlerhood”

Beyond “Making” Kids Listen

When parents say, “My kid doesn’t listen,” they often mean “My kid doesn’t obey.” However, true listening goes both ways. Consider this:

• Yelling doesn’t improve hearing – it often makes things worse
• Children who don’t feel heard are less likely to listen
• The goal isn’t just short-term compliance but long-term decision-making skills

Active Listening: A Tool for Better Communication

Try these four guidelines for active listening:

1. Focus Completely: Give your child your full attention, eliminating distractions
2. Use Body Language: Make eye contact, nod, or touch their shoulder
3. Show Responsiveness: Use phrases like “uh-huh” or “What I think you’re saying is…”
4. Hold Your Opinion: Let your child share without interruption or disagreement

As Meike Lemmens, a master trainer in P.E.T. (Parent Effectiveness Training) explains: “To be able to really actively listen to your child – to tune in to what’s going on with them – is a very difficult but very effective tool in lowering the resistance from children to work with you.”

Rethinking Punishment

When considering discipline, ask yourself:

• What are your true goals for your child’s behavior?
• Do you want compliance based on fear?
• Are you trying to teach empathy and consideration?
• Do you want them to make good choices even when you’re not around?

The Case for Positive Discipline

Instead of traditional punishment, consider:

• Logical consequences
• Problem-solving approaches
• Clear limit-setting
• Teaching through empathy rather than anger

Remember: Following through on consequences matters, but the goal is teaching responsibility, not inflicting pain or shame.

The Learning Process

Remember:

• Children are constantly developing new skills
• Emotional vocabulary takes time to build
• Impulse control is a gradual process
• Even adults struggle with behavior change

Key Takeaway

Approach discipline as a teaching opportunity rather than a power struggle. Use active listening to help your child:

• Express themselves
• Feel valued
• Understand their feelings
• Learn empathy
• Develop self-control

By modeling how to treat others with respect and understanding, you help your child grow into an empathetic, self-controlled adult who makes good choices independently.