Bullying is a hot button topic these days, and for parents in particular, just the word alone can fill us with dread. The thought of our children being bullied – or being bullies themselves – brings up complicated feelings like fear, anger, and shame. Bullying is especially complicated when it comes to preschoolers, because their little brains are still developing.
Common Questions Parents Ask
Many parents struggle with questions like:
- Can a toddler be a bully?
- Do young kids understand what being a bully means?
- Is biting or kicking considered bullying?
- Why are some preschoolers physically violent toward other kids?
The answers to these questions start with understanding exactly what bullying is. Once you know the definition of bullying, you can determine what behavior qualifies – and what doesn’t. From there, you can take steps to deal with your young child’s behavior (or the behavior of other preschoolers toward your child) in ways that are appropriate and foster healthy expression.
Understanding the Definition of Bullying
These days, many people use the words “bully” and “bullying” incorrectly and inappropriately. As psychologist Dr. Ruth Burtman explains, “Often, people we just don’t like are described as bullies, and they aren’t necessarily bullies – nor are we necessarily victims. When somebody’s feelings get hurt, it doesn’t mean they were necessarily bullied.”
The Four Criteria of Bullying
The Center for Disease Control and the Department of Education established a nationally-accepted definition that identifies four clear criteria that must be met for a behavior to qualify as bullying:
- Aggression: Is the behavior aggressive, or does it seem like someone is ready to attack – even in a violent manner?
- Repetition: Is the behavior repeated over time, or does it have the strong potential to be repeated over time?
- Power dynamic: Is there a real or perceived imbalance of power with one person having the upper hand over the other?
- Intent: Is the behavior intentional and meant to cause some sort of harm to the other person?
Toddlers and Bullying: What You Need to Know
Between the ages of zero and five, children are beginning to develop the ability to express their emotions properly, and sometimes this can come out through physical aggression, like biting. While that behavior definitely qualifies as aggressive and is often repetitive, toddlers don’t have the full ability to understand power balances or intent.
Because their behavior can’t meet these final two criteria on the bullying definition checklist, preschoolers who bite or kick aren’t bullies – they’re just still learning non-physical ways to express their emotions.
Understanding Aggressive Behavior
While aggression is natural for toddlers and preschoolers and it may be difficult to pinpoint exactly what to call this behavior, the truth is that aggression can be revealing. Negative or atypical behavior can be a sign of a bigger issue, and parents should take into account how often their child displays aggressive behavior. A higher frequency can have the potential of leading to bullying behavior later in life.
Expert Tip
If you do see signs of potential bullying in your preschooler, don’t worry. Kids are sponges at this age, so they can learn and unlearn behavior easily. This is the perfect time to start teaching them how to deal with their emotions – and to guide your kids toward behaviors that are healthy and appropriate as they grow older.
