The Challenge of Teaching Empathy
Every parent’s been there at least once. You’re sitting on a bench watching your kid play in the sandbox, and suddenly, they push another child face-first into the dirt and calmly walk away, cool as a cucumber. When you ask what happened and demand they apologize, they’re completely remorseless, leaving you wondering if you’ve created a monster as you desperately Google, “How can I teach my child empathy?”
Understanding Empathy
What is empathy?
Empathy is a word that you hear often in reference to parenting. It’s sometimes confused with sympathy, but the meaning of empathy is a little different. At Parent Lab, we define empathy as “being sensitive to others’ thoughts and feelings.” It’s that act of putting yourself into somebody else’s shoes to imagine what they’re thinking or feeling.
Empathy vs. Sympathy
The easiest way to explain the difference between sympathy and empathy is that sympathy is about your feelings and empathy is about the other person’s feelings. If your friend doesn’t get a promotion:
- With sympathy, you’re sorry that they’re upset
- With empathy, you imagine how they’re feeling and let that guide your behavior. You know your friend really needed that raise, so you can imagine they’re stressed about money – and instead of inviting them out for (expensive) drinks, you invite them to your house for a glass of wine.
Developmental Timeline
This ability to understand what others may be thinking or feeling takes time:
- Toddlers assume everyone knows what they know and feels what they feel because their brains are still developing
- In elementary school, kids start to realize they’re not the center of the universe and can imagine what life is like for others – which is called “Theory of Mind”
- As it develops, kids begin to see that their actions have consequences, but they still need your help connecting the two
The Importance of Empathy
Benefits of Learning Empathy
Empathy is crucial for children’s development because:
- It helps others feel understood, activating brain regions associated with reward and social connection
- It develops resilience and creates a sense of safety
- It improves emotional connections, which can benefit everything from marriages to workplace performance
Research-Backed Benefits
Studies show there’s a link between parental empathy and:
- Higher self-esteem
- Improved academic performance
- Better parent-child communication
- Fewer psychological and behavioral problems
Consequences of Lacking Empathy
Research shows that kids without empathetic role models may experience:
- Lower self-esteem
- Antisocial behavior
- Feelings of alienation and hostility
- Increased aggression
- Higher risk of mental illness in adulthood
Teaching Empathy to Children
The Mirror Effect
Empathy is “caught” rather than taught. Children learn it by:
- Watching and interacting with parents
- Experiencing empathetic responses to their emotions
- Observing modeled behavior
The Science Behind Emotion Sharing
Dr. Alex Korb explains that emotions are infectious because:
- We automatically mirror actions, speech patterns, and stress levels
- Our mirror neuron system responds to and replicates observed behaviors
- Physical responses like stress levels, muscle tone, and breathing rate can impact a child’s stress response
Practical Steps: Emotion Coaching
Dr. John Gottman suggests four basic steps:
- Be aware of your child’s emotions
- Recognize their emotions as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching
- Listen with empathy and validate their feelings
- Help your child put their emotions into words
Real-World Application
Instead of reacting with anger to a situation (like a broken vase), try:
- Recognizing signs of unhappiness
- Asking about their feelings
- Acknowledging their frustration
- Helping them identify and express their emotions appropriately
Building Long-Term Success
The Role of Self-Discipline
Self-discipline, or impulse control, involves:
- Noticing feelings
- Considering options
- Making appropriate choices
- Understanding the impact of actions on others
Supporting Emotional Growth
Help your child develop by:
- Teaching them to recognize their emotions
- Showing them how emotions link to behavior
- Guiding them to consider the impact of their actions
- Providing consistent empathetic support
Remember: Showing empathy isn’t always easy, but it makes a significant difference in your child’s development and future relationships.
